Being home reminds me of my roots and the people that have shaped my life into what it is and it really does give me a lot of reasons to be thankful. Im thankful for my happy family who always parties and celebrates like there is no tomorrow. I'm thankful for my sister when we're outside together sitting in 40 degree weather camping out for a tv. Im thankful for my home and the sense of belonging that comes with it. My family is the anchor to my soul and mind it seems. Whenever i need to feel like i matter or need someone to pick up my spirits, they know exactly what to do.
I feel very fortunate by this because I know it's really easy to take our families for granted. But in my own way, i do try my best to think about my parents and share the general burdens of being in a family. we all dont get a long every waking moment, but we always end up moving on and the good really does outweigh the bad.
For this, i have to say taht my stay at home has been extra enjoyable this year and reuniting with everyone reminds me that as much as i want to be accepted by my peers and friends, my family doesnt ask for anythign conditional and accepts me perfectly fine the way i am.
so so thankful.
/cheese.
I did a 1000kcals on the eliptical today and that was easy since I just played videogames on the phone the whole way. That and I was thinking about how each step was closer to getting to my goal. Even though I've been finding harder and harder to achieve some of the goals for myself, Im pretty determined to get this one goal at least of being in shape. I just want to be that "guy" for once in my life. Not the guy that feels obscure and always in the background.
Its a reoccuring theme with me and all these wants but never enough effort to make these wants materialize. But it's been about 2 months since I started working out seriously and the results are there, I feel more confident. But things still aren't where I want to be. I keep saying I'm doing it for the girls, but I'm honestly chasing something that's seemed out of reach all my life and now i'm at the point where Im doing it for myself and each day is making me realize that this once impossible goal of mine isnt so out of reach anymore. It gives me hope with each work out that this effort isnt being wasted and it really is a sincere effort to change myself.
Change that I can appreciate as well as other people. So setting my alarm clock for 6am and ready to keeping evolving.
What if I'm not able to take care of my parents and force them to continue to take care of me while I try to figure out my unclear future?
then there's the fact that I dont feel like Im connecting as well with my peers anymore. I've been reiterating the fact that I feel old, and everyone tells me it's only a symptom of the mind, but as this year has passed along I feel like I'm really losing touch with the naive and simple minded kid i've viewed my self as throughout college. The parties bore me a lot more now. I only drink at parties so I dont have to think so much anymore and escape from all these external pressures pressing against me. I've yet to drink by myself, but taht's probably b/c im always dieting and I dont really like the taste of alcohol to begin with. Also with my friends and such, the topics and conversation mark a dichotomy of thought processes. Everyone obsesses over trivial and frivolous matters such as a boy or girl they are infatuated with, their insatiable libido, and when is the next party.
These are the topics that I find myself in more often than not and it always leaves me with a feeling annoyance. When I get the chance to speak, I feel like Im an old man from another generation speaking to teenagers. Instead of simple things, I find myself indulging in metaphorical talks ranging from theology to ethics. It's when I get a chance to discuss these more conceptual thoughts that i feel fulfilled and it makes me not feel so alien. I really wish there was more people I can talk about this stuff with b/c Im not sure how much more of these pointless and trivial talks I can handle when they dominate every casual conversation I have. I like a little more substance to my conversations.
Finally, bad romance. I've yet to be in a good romance or relationship. I've had good ones, but nothing of substance. I've never loved anyone and I've never just been in a relationship that made me feel like it had a future. I feel at 21 years old, soon to be 22, I'm behind in this dating game and sad by the fact that I've yet to even experience the reality of being a relationship. Relationships are hard I hear, and from my limited experience, it is. But honest to god, I'm ready to work my best for someone that cares about me as much as I care about them. Im ready to just open myself up instead of bottling up everything I feel and experience something new and refreshing. Something to make me feel like my life hasnt hit another wall and stalling stagnantly. I dont want to be this boy that has only learned simple feelings like "I like you or I heart you." I want to grow up.
I really do just want to grow up.
Today I lifted. And what is about the gym that makes people's ego's and vanity get a roid boost? Everyone at the gym checks themselves way too much. Myself included. I see a mirror. I flex. I walk by another mirror. I flex. I get a drink of water. I flex? WTF?!!?
Anyways, my new work out routine is really a beating and my arms feel like putty right now post work out.
I also burned 350 calories.
On another note, I started taking lipo6 again as a stimulant to burn fat. Hopefully it works as advertised and works like in the past as it has for me.
The only bad part today is taht due to stress and boredom, i over ate. I literally just raided my fridge a little bit before midnight and proceeded to devour everything in sight. I'm slightly over my calorie budget and feeling sick from all that food. Fml.
Gonna hit the gym hard tomorrow!
So today. Got back from camping, ate way too much high calories, low density food. Everything this nutrition text book in front of me warns me to stay away from, but mehh once a fat kid, always a fat kid??
With my downtrodden guilt badgering my conscious upon arrival at home, i continued my sickening devouring of food.
Finally lifted myself off my couch to go to the gym.
Burned 700 calories.
Did the whole ab ripper routine.
As much as im noticing the result, I really wish I could just be where I want to be physically. Bu then again this whole issue of impatience is a direct parallel to my current thought process. I want to have more things figured out and I want to arrive at a place in my life where I have clearer visions and scope of my goals and how I want to live my life. Stop me now. Before this becomes another pandering thought of life and it's trials.
Now for tomorrow. Have a date with 6am and a girl name Gym again. I need to find a way to break it off with her though because this has become quite an abusive relationship that leaves me sore and hurting after each encounter..
Wow. did i really just use the gym as a metaphor? why yes i did. And yea that just happened.
checked my closet and under the bed. No knife wielding jason around to kill me. That and as much as I hate this thought. Baggage is the ultimate buzzkill.
Literally, baggage is something that makes me just want to turn around and walk away. So that's what im going to do. Nice knowing you and all, but till that shiz gets straighten out, im not going to tie my emotions or thoughts to you. The end.
Yea it's not a really far fetched for me to say that I do flashback from time to time the way my last relationship ended. A lot of it use to be because I didnt know why and the confusion from the abrupt end to it. As much as I feel embarrassed and awkward now thinking about it and the state of mind I possessed at the time, it really does remind me of the fallacy of being human.
As people, severing the link between two people of importance to each other is rather difficult and initially a very strange and unpleasant experience. I can vouch for that on multiple occasions. What makes it so hard? Well I cant generalize and apply this for all the guys out there or even girls, but the mind has funny way of tricking you or telling half truths. Half truths?
Yes, half truths. These are the images and feelings that our brains associate with certain life experience. What our brains fails to do is paint the whole picture of these actual life events and experiences.And this only makes it that much harder to get over a tough break up or break ups in general. I know for me, besides wishing for an end to all the confusion and misery, I just wanted to go back in time to the happier times. To me, it felt indescribable to how easy it was for me to lose all those good times and not know why.
At this point, an immediate chain reaction is set into motion by the brain. My brain proceeded to go through all the wonderful times repeatedly and neglecting the more questionable times of doubt and hurt feelings. In the movie, the protagonist does the same. The movie jumps around the time chronology as he searches for answers to why his relationship ended. This movie really evoked a sense of empathy with me halfway into it because i began to realize that this one man's experience is a rather universal reflection for both genders that are unfortunate enough to experience any kind of break up, especially ones from left field.
It's a lot harder searching for "answers" when your brain is only presenting you with these half truths. Wading through this slight deception, the protagonist and myself both discovered something profound.
When relationships end, we want to work through the questions and pain backwards. We want to move from the end to the beginning. We want to go back through the maze of the relationship from the finish line to the starting line. We want to embark on a quest of self sabotage it seems. Because I realized as the movie clearly resonated, that to move on we have to move forward from the beginning, not backwards from end.
So it hit me that it would have been a lot easier on myself in general if I actually rationally went back to the first exact memory I had with Amy and journeyed to the last one of her, it all made sense.
Yes. It really does all make sense. As happy as some of those memories were, I quickly understood that not everything was peachy and swell till the end. The doubt and the confusion was there long before hand.Even all these "happy" memories werent as happy as my mind made them out to be and there were signs of despair looming then. I had just convinced myself that I wanted the relationship enough to compromise myself and convinced myself that that sense of "happiness" fostered from the relationship was all worth it. Well sad to say, but it wasn't worth it.
Not to discredit or anything of that nature, but looking back I understand now that a meaningful relationship should have been more than what I had with her, or even so with all my other past relationships. They all ended for a reason. It's all because as chance as it, both of us just werent right for each other.
As life goes, the people we meet and the opportunities we are given merely stand as chance and random encounters dictated by our own willingness to seize or pass on those opportunities. The sooner I can better understand this, the more I'll stop wishing and the more I'll act on these chances instead of letting them pass.
1st off, time to go break a heart. Well not really, but time to go play the friends card again. Fun.
I don't know. I'm starting grow tired of all this work I have to put in for things not school related. My time in college is running to an end and I don't know if it's worth it for me to be working so hard for things that I can't say I whole heartedly enjoy anymore. Something about it irritates me bc no one seems to understand that I have things I want to do outside of all this organizational and frat stuff. The work just keeps piling on and I keep having people on my back about getting things done.
I'm tired. I avg less than 4 hours of sleep during the work week and my weekends are spent in meetings or working on gb projects.
Soo so tired.
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I've been thinking. I have my whole life to work and make money. All that not so fun stuff and the dreaded reponsibilities that comes with it.
Thus, with the little time I have less before u truly become an official adult. I question why I bothering with all this organizational stuff. I know for sure I don't enjoy all this work I have to put into my fraternity and fsa. I do it not bc it's fun. I do it more so bc I feel I owe a certain amount of loyalty resonsibilty that come with accepting a official position.
Especially with my fraternity. What was a crazy idea and moment of impulse has. Brought about an endless amount of work and duties that I don't find much pleasure in. It makes me question my decision. Too be honest I hate doing work period. I'd much rather sit around all day playing videogames or watching movies. I feel lately that alll this responsibility has taken away from my relatively simple hobbies.
As fun that comes out it all. It really does wear me down and I feel very conflicted. Shouldn't I be sure of my decisions by now instead of always second guessing them?
Ready for me time I don't think I can handle extended teamwork base environments.
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I've been thinking. I have my whole life to work and make money. All that not so fun stuff and the dreaded reponsibilities that comes with it.
Thus, with the little time I have less before u truly become an official adult. I question why I bothering with all this organizational stuff. I know for sure I don't enjoy all this work I have to put into my fraternity and fsa. I do it not bc it's fun. I do it more so bc I feel I owe a certain amount of loyalty resonsibilty that come with accepting a official position.
Especially with my fraternity. What was a crazy idea and moment of impulse has. Brought about an endless amount of work and duties that I don't find much pleasure in. It makes me question my decision. Too be honest I hate doing work period. I'd much rather sit around all day playing videogames or watching movies. I feel lately that alll this responsibility has taken away from my relatively simple hobbies.
As fun that comes out it all. It really does wear me down and I feel very conflicted. Shouldn't I be sure of my decisions by now instead of always second guessing them?
Ready for me time I don't think I can handle extended teamwork base environments.
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Never apparently. I feel that they approach teaching this way to make it easier on themselves while supposedly "challanging" their students. But they have it wrong. A good teacher actually tries to teach instead of assuming everything is understood and their job is to merely rehash and mumble on about random topics or pointing out what you should know instead of showing you and teaching you material that you want to and need to know. Confusing huh?
Yea it's late and Im hopped on on energy drinks. This is my 3rd attempt at an allnighter in the past week, so far I've barely made it past 3am each time.
3rd times the charm?
I've always had the tendency to skirt any serious leadership roles bc I don't want to deal with all the leadership responsibility. But something about this year has forces me to take charge of different situations and circumstances. It's been a bit overwhelming but Im doing my best to maitain a strong front and avoiding conflicts. I'm not sure how people are percieving my leadership qualities but I hope it's okay or acceptable.
Maybe it's maturity that's also changed me into a person that can take on these responsibilities. I know for sure that the me of old would go nowhere near any kind of things like this that bring extra responsibilities and pressure. Yet here I am...
Or mayne it's immaturity that has thrust me into this postion. Part of me would be lying if I said I wasn't doing all of this to prove something to myself and to a certain people, especially Amy, who called mw out for my selfishness and self absorbance. Maybe all of my critics have some merit or I just unknowingly present myself as a self centered and selfish punk. But in all honesty I never questioned my sincerity and ability to give something I care about my all. And when that sincerity was questioned I've felt mixed and conflicted to who and where I stand as a person.
Hopefully riding this year out with these newfound responsibilities to fsa and my fraternity. I can prove something to myself and the people around me. Prove that I am a person with intregity and good tendencies.
Really. A lot of things have changed in my life this past year and I feel like I have to constantly reasses where i stand on my convictions and the paths I chose so I don't end up becoming someone I hate in the future.
One can only hope.
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- Location:US, Texas, Lubbock, Lubbock, 11th Pl
Today was soo very upside down. I dreamt about the past. Like a timeline in reverse. My thoughts remind me of past awes and shocks. All the noise in my head never ceases to stop. I remember when. I rember when. When you told me it wasn't enough. But is it ever going to be enough? Hazy and sleep walking through the day. I kept reflecting. More and more. I wondered. Wondered if this tremble in my hands is for you? Is it going to eat me alive? Can you hear my heart beating like the hammer? It isn't beating for you. It's beating for the truth and reality. Not sure I can handle this pulse. Help. Not me. Help us. I miss it. I miss being friends. Hard to be tender and easy to be tough. For the best. If I'm still here when I see you. Let's turn the clock forward. Not backward. Bc my heart will still be beating. Time.
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Like I literally woke up and thought man I'm awesome. Havent had a morning like this in a very longggggg time. Very refreshing change. Oh and the extra hour in the day helped too.
Other than that, the problems with life in general are still there, but Im not going to waste my time sweating it at the moment.
The end. i have a short attention span and cant focus on writing any longer.
There are alot of missteps on life where you realize later on that you probaly should have done things differently or made a better decision in general. Today I was reminded of a serious misstep and that was the fact that i really took on more than I could handle this semster. Idk what I was thinking to take 17 hours and hold officers positons while trying to study for my OAts. Gahhh with every passing test I'm realizing that I can't balance all my classes and resppnsibilities on top of extra studying for my admissions exam. I wish I had the capabilty to do it but reality is proving differently.
I'm thinking about giving up studying fir the oats all together to pull up my grades in my hard classes bc i can't go to grad school if i don't graduate in the first place.
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- Location:US, Texas, Lubbock, Lubbock, 11th Pl
Im still doing all the steps to get ready for opt school, but the more i get into it the more I fall behind and dont feel good about my chances for this upcoming admissions. It's incrediibly hard to balance senior upper level course while cramming in every bit of science i've learned the past 4 years and prepare myself for the OAT. *sigh* I wish was smarter or just had more time b/c I know I can learn the material, I just need more time. That and with my struggles with focus has been hurting my ability to study.
The bad. Ahh yes and there has been this girl I've been talking to these past couple weeks, an old friend of sorts, but its been one of those things where we lose touch and reconnect... repeatedly. And the timing tends to be off since everytime I've even considered her, she's been in a relationship or something gets in the way, but lately that "feeling" is resurfacing and Im not sure I want to put up with it. The motto for the rest of this year is no complications, no strings, and no attatchments.
Not sure what to do, but Im sure I'll think of something to get of this situation.
Now for the ugly. I have no freaking clue to what exactly i'll do with my year off from school and everyone's been weighing in their opinions. Some think it's great, others worry that I wont be able to resume school if I take the year off. Then theres the fact taht Im not sure how to pay the massive debt i've accumulated since I started college, somewhere in the neighborhood of 70k i believe. Gahhhhhhhhhhh. And my biggest worry is that if i take a year off that means an extra year my parents have to work hard to take care of me when I should be taking care of them. My goal and approach to my education has always been to give my parents an early retirement and comfortable life first, and whatever materialistic desires I have for myself second.
So there we have it the good, the bad, and the ugly. Dilemmas dilemmas.
Well as I am about to finish up my undergraduate career, I have come to realize and understand a few things about myself especially the things taht I know have changed about me.
So here goes. First and foremost, my confidence isnt what it once was as I've come to discover that there is a very materialistic and prevalent culture of shallowness that presents itself in college. I've come to learn that things like good looks and self indulgence are much more important than things like personality or selflessness. I found out that being well mannered and sincere isnt enough in this world. I also found out that people value you more for what you can do for them instead of what both of you can do for each other. Well I guess it's the real world presenting itself to me. It's a dog eat dog world as they say, and why should college not teach me this important issue.
It wasnt really that hard for me to realize that I'm not the smartest or best looking kid to grace this campus, but I always felt like I've had a lot to offer as both student and as a person in general. I may not be the most interesting or talented person either, but I feel like I have my charms and I'm easy to relate to. I just felt like I had something to offer to the world in my own way.
But sadly that reality has been crushed and buried. I now understand that it's hard to be confident in this culture and that I consistently find myself adopting this culture. I'm probably too hard on myself these days, and I worry too much about things that arent all that important. Yet, these things like how I look or how I present myself to other people weigh into my mind. I wonder what they think of me instead of thinking about how good I feel about myself. I promise I didnt always think this way, but now that I've realize this I dont know how to change this.
I want to wake up in the mornings thinking about how great I feel about myself and what I'm doing with myself, but instead I wake up thinking about what to do to improve people's perception of me. Why? Because I fear that Im unable to stand up to the criticism of not maintaining a certain look or not being "normal." Sure that's always been a natural fear of mine, but it didnt always affect how I perceived myself. I guess the perception of myself has changed and that's what has taken away some of my confidence.
In fact, my interviewer earlier this week told me my biggest problem is that I lack self confidence. It's easy to point this out, but Im not sure how to change this.
In this world that I know now, driving a nice car or having nice things coupled with good looks are valued more than a nice guy with a few interesting quirks. Materialistic? Yes, but its the truth. People are shallow and they judge you before giving you a fair chance. Im sure everyone I've met has felt this way at some point in college or maybe they've had the fun of being unfairly judged as well. Honestly, all those matrialistic thigns are nice and they do give you a positive perception of someone, but I always end up looking all of that and trying to see the other person as a person who I can relate to or not.
I dont think many people feel the same as me though, and give me that fair opportunity or chance to understanding me. Bleghh
I is tired. Time for bed and possibly some nostalgia about the good days in highschool.
Although today was definately a good day and another week is another step closer to graduating into a "realer" world.
Today I had an interview with a company I knew nothing about nor was I particularly focused and confident in my abilities to have a good interview. As it turns out, I am very grateful for that opportunity today bc it gave me some confidence approaching post grad life. This was guy who has interviewed countless people for a multibillion company and knows what he's doing. Well today even though I didn't follow interview procedures he told me I was in the top 3 of interviews that he's done ever and he can judge someones potential pretty well since that's what his job centers around. And he assures me today that my goals aren't dreams but real goals that I can achieve. Goals that i'm capable of and have the qualifications for. I just need a but more confidence in my self and that I'm more ahead of many of my peers in career path and accomplishment. Besides being flattered it really help me feel at peace with myself again instead of second guessing myself all the time.
Today was definitly time well spent.
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For those of us taht are normal, fear is a part of our lives and manifests itself in various forms. But what i really want to analyze is how another person can build or instill fear in another person.
Physical intimidation and threats are one route. Then there's the truly effective tactics of psychologically getting into someone's mind and giving them a sense of permanent fear.
It's when you take something ordinary and normal, then warp it with something illogical and irrational. The distortion of reality invites unexplainable change and change is never good for most people. In a way, I think fear in a broader or is it more specific sense; fear is an allergic reaction to change.
Think about it. When you are thrown a curve ball in life, you dont exactly jump for joy or celebrate enthusiastically, you're typical initial reaction is laced with caution and reproach. Thus, we see scary movie employ these cinematic devices that greatly mimic the world, our world, and transform it with attentiveness to details in order to illicit a scare from the audience.
Watching last night's movie, it really does a great job of bringing fear because it presents us with a world almost identical to the one we live in and introduces something irrational and unexplainable to scare us. It's these daily things in life taht we take for granted that generate the most fear when we are forced to question the validity of it and the logic of it. Sleeping is something everyone does, if they dont want to die, and it appears to be a relatively normal and routine aspect for most. But the movie takes this concept and makes you question what could be or is going to happen while you sleep. It doesnt merely pose this question out of the gate, it works its way to the question because fear is easier to build once your audience as accepted the premise and related it to themselves.
For me, fear came when I found myself questioning what really happens when I sleep and wondering if those bumps in the night are more than just bumps in the night. Its the unknown. Change has been introduced to my views towards the night and sleeping. Fear is my response, so I slept with my lights on last night. If the the lights are on, I can understand if something weird happens. But if it's dark and something happens, i'll still be in the 'dark' and unknowing to what happens. Not knowing is the root causing fear from change me thinks.
Well that was incoherent and somewhat refreshing. Much better than writing about drama.
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